“You are such a strong person.”
Those are words that have been said to me many times. It’s nice hearing them and I like to think that at the end of the day I am a pretty strong person.
I love my life and I love the people in it. I have a great career, a sexy ass husband, two happy go lucky pups, an amazing family, and a growing blog. I am always on social media. Posting the happiest moments of my life. And, I want you all to know, This is the happy side of depression.
At this point, many of you that don’t really know me and my past will start to call BS. “Bitch! You DO NOT have depression!” I know this because I have had someone respond like this to me before.
Behind the black mirror, there are times in my life that I have thought about just ending it. Often. This stems back throughout my whole life. When I was 14, I took one of my dad’s rifles and went behind our yard, which was still undeveloped. I put the rifle head in my mouth and thought about it. My baby sister ran out behind me…confused, young, scared. The look in her eyes is what kept me from doing it. I love her over everything. I couldn’t do it with her there.
I don’t know what made me go that far. And that is how it works. Life can be PERFECT and then this feeling will just set in. Sometimes just a couple of hours, but sometimes for weeks, even months.
Last year, was the hardest year for me. I failed the PE a second time and I just felt like everyone would be better without me. I had no reasons to feel this way, I just felt it. I wrote a will on my phone. I wrote a letter to Julian telling him it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. Had my Janis Joplin/The Doors mix going. I would drive and have visions of crashing, dying, and imagine how people would react. Would they even care? Would some people be low-key happy? Then, one day, the feeling was gone.
My whole life has been this way. I talk about it with Julian, my friends, my brother, and sister. And it’s hard to explain it. It’s hard to make them see that it’s not about them. It’s just something in me that happens. But, they are there for me when I need to talk it through. They are all my lifeline.
I don’t know why or how I became this way. I don’t know why I have anxiety that drives me to start feeling like everything I write on here is for nothing. I don’t know why I am like this.
It took A LOT for me to write about this. I think it was Anthony Bourdain that really did it for me. You never will really know what is going on in someone’s head. And that is the scary part. Your strong friend who gets through everything bad that happens in her life might be the one thinking about ending her life every single day.
Depression is something that is still not fully understood and many people won’t ever try to understand it. I don’t understand it and I am going through it.
But, I am here. I have my good days and my bad days. Remember that when you see the happy side of my depression that there still may be something you are not seeing behind the screen. Remember that life isn’t always what we make it out to be.
Don’t forget to check on your “strong” friend.
